Finding a vape pen in your teen’s backpack can be a shock. Vaping might seem harmless to them because the flavors taste sweet or minty and they hear that “everyone is doing it.” But vaping can lead to addiction and harm the lungs, heart and brain, even for young people who only use it sometimes. If you discover a vape pen, it’s important to stay calm and talk in a way that keeps the conversation open. The script below shows how a parent can handle this situation—starting from the moment they find the vape pen, through the teen’s reactions, and ending with a more open discussion.
Sample Conversation
Parent:
“Hey, can we sit for a minute? I came across something in your backpack today—a vape pen. I want to talk about it with you.”
Teen: (angry)
“Why were you going through my stuff? That’s so messed up!”
Parent:
“I hear you—you feel like I invaded your privacy. I get why that would feel upsetting. I wasn’t snooping for no reason. I was putting away laundry and found it. My main concern is your safety.”
Teen:
“Well, it’s not even mine. Someone must have left it there.”
Parent:
“So you’re saying it doesn’t belong to you. Tell me more about how it ended up in your bag.”
Teen:
“A friend gave it to me to hold for a bit. It’s not a big deal.”
Parent:
“It sounds like you feel this isn’t serious. What makes it seem not like a big deal to you?”
Teen:
“Everyone vapes. It’s just flavors—better than smoking. I’ve tried it a few times but like I said, it’s not a big deal.”
Parent:
“Sounds like you see it as something most people your age do and maybe safer than cigarettes.” (reflects)
“What have you heard about how vaping affects your brain and body?”
Teen:
“Honestly, not much. I mean, it’s just vapor. It relaxes me sometimes.”
Parent:
“So for you it can feel calming, and you’re not sure about the health side. What do you think are the upsides and downsides of vaping?”
Teen (pauses, thinking):
“Upsides… I guess it helps when I’m stressed or bored. Some of my friends do it, so it’s kinda social.
Downsides… I’ve heard it’s expensive and people say it can mess up your lungs. And maybe it’s addictive.”
Parent:
“You like the stress relief and the social part, and you’re aware it might harm your health and cost money. That’s a thoughtful way of looking at it.”
Teen (sighs):
“Okay… it is mine. I’ve been vaping for a while. I didn’t want you to freak out.”
Parent:
“Thank you for being honest. That takes courage. I’m not here to yell; I’m here because I love you and want to figure this out together.
What worries you most—if anything—about continuing to vape?”
Teen:
“Probably getting addicted. I don’t want to need it, but it’s hard to stop when my friends are all doing it.”
Parent:
“It sounds like you’re noticing it’s harder to quit than you thought, and the social piece makes it tricky.
Would you be open to talking about some ways to deal with stress or hang out with friends that don’t involve vaping?”
Teen:
“Maybe… yeah, I guess.”
Parent:
“Great. Let’s start small. We can look up information together and find some support if you want.
I’m really proud of you for talking with me about this.”
Key Parent Skills Highlighted
The most important skills in this conversation are staying calm, asking open-ended questions, reflecting, and affirming. Staying calm keeps the talk from turning into a fight. Open-ended questions like “What do you think are the upsides and downsides of vaping?” invite your teen to share more than a simple yes or no. Reflecting means repeating back what you hear—such as “It sounds like you feel it helps with stress”—so your teen knows you are really listening. Affirming is when you point out their honesty or effort, which helps them feel respected and supported. Together, these skills build trust and make it more likely your teen will open up and work with you on next steps.
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- Open-ended questions: “What have you heard about…?” “What do you think are the upsides and downsides…?”
- Reflections: “It sounds like you feel this isn’t serious.”
- Affirmations: “That takes courage.”
- Collaboration: “Let’s figure this out together.”
Here are some other common teen comments you may hear with responses you may find helpful:
| Teen Comment | Parent Response |
|---|---|
| 1. “It’s just water vapor.” | “I can see why it looks that way, but it’s actually a mix of chemicals. Most vapes have nicotine or marijuana and other stuff that can damage lungs and affect your brain while it’s still developing.” |
| 2. “At least it’s not as bad as smoking.” | “You’re right—cigarettes are harmful. But vaping carries its own risks, leading to lung problems, increased anxiety and addiction over time. Both are risky in different ways.” |
| 3. “Everyone does it.” | “It can feel that way if the people around you vape, but actually, most teens don’t. Surveys show the majority of kids your age are choosing not to.” |
| 4. “It helps me chill out.” | “I get why you’d want that. Nicotine and marijuana may feel relaxing at first, but it actually makes stress and anxiety worse over time. Let’s think together about other ways to handle stress.” |
| 5. “I’m not addicted—I can quit anytime.” | “Lots of people feel that way in the beginning, but it can hook you before you even realize it. If you’d like, we can see what happens if you try going without it for a week.” |
| 6. “It tastes good—it’s just flavors.” | “Those flavors are meant to get kids interested. Behind the flavor are chemicals that aren’t safe to breathe in, and companies spend millions trying to make them seem harmless.” |
| 7. “It’s legal, so it can’t be that bad.” | “Not everything that’s legal is safe—like alcohol, which can still harm people. Laws don’t always mean something is healthy, especially for a growing brain.” |
| 8. “It’s just a phase. I’ll stop later.” | “I hear you. The tricky part is that the longer someone vapes, the more their brain wants it. Waiting makes it harder to quit.” |
| 9. “It doesn’t smell like cigarettes, so it’s fine.” | “True, it doesn’t leave the same smell, but that doesn’t make it safe. It still carries chemicals that hurt your lungs and heart.” |
| 10. “It’s cheaper than smoking.” | “Maybe now, but it adds up quickly. Plus, the real cost is your health—addiction, anxiety, and long-term damage can be much more expensive. Besides, you keep saying you want to save your money to buy (fill in the blank) so why spend the money on vapes?” |
| 11. “It’s just for fun—I don’t do it that often.” | “Even once in a while can get your brain used to it and make it harder to stop later. Science shows that people your age whose brains are still developing get addicted more quickly than adults.” |
| 12. “Athletes vape, and they’re fine.” | “Some athletes do, but many avoid it because it makes breathing and endurance harder. Even if you don’t notice it right away, vaping can hurt performance.” |
| 13. “It’s safer than alcohol.” | “Safer doesn’t mean that something is safe. Both vaping and alcohol have risks – they are just different kinds of risks.” |
| 14. “It’s better than junk food or energy drinks.” | “Junk food and energy drinks aren’t great either, but nicotine and marijuana change how your brain works. It makes your body depend on it, which can be harder to undo.” |
| 15. “My friend gave it to me—it’s not like I’m buying it.” | “I understand, but whether you buy it or not, the risks are the same. Sometimes what friends share can even have more dangerous ingredients without you knowing.” |
| 16. “It’s my choice, not like anyone’s making me.” | “I get that it feels like your decision. What worries me is that these companies design vapes to be addictive on purpose. The flavors, the high nicotine, and the social media ads are all meant to hook people when they’re young so they can keep making money for years. They know the earlier someone starts, the harder it is to quit—and that means a lifelong customer for them. I know you don't like when others tell you what to do or try to control you. I can't imagine you'd want to be controlled by this little device designed by a big corporation with the sole interest of getting you to keep buying their product.” |
If you’re worried about your teen and unsure how to start the conversation, you don’t have to figure it out alone. We offer free, confidential guidance to help parents plan what to say, practice the words, and feel more confident before talking with their child. Whether you need tips for a first discussion, ideas for setting limits, or a full action plan, our helpline specialists can walk you through each step. Connect with us here for additional help.