Finding a vape pen in your teen’s backpack can be a shock. Vaping might seem harmless to them because the flavors taste sweet or minty and they hear that “everyone is doing it.” But vaping can lead to addiction and harm the lungs, heart and brain, even for young people who only use it sometimes. If you discover a vape pen, it’s important to stay calm and talk in a way that keeps the conversation open. The script below shows how a parent can handle this situation—starting from the moment they find the vape pen, through the teen’s reactions, and ending with a more open discussion.
Parent:
“Hey, can we sit for a minute? I came across something in your backpack today—a vape pen. I want to talk about it with you.”
Teen: (angry)
“Why were you going through my stuff? That’s so messed up!”
Parent:
“I hear you—you feel like I invaded your privacy. I get why that would feel upsetting. I wasn’t snooping for no reason. I was putting away laundry and found it. My main concern is your safety.”
Teen:
“Well, it’s not even mine. Someone must have left it there.”
Parent:
“So you’re saying it doesn’t belong to you. Tell me more about how it ended up in your bag.”
Teen:
“A friend gave it to me to hold for a bit. It’s not a big deal.”
Parent:
“It sounds like you feel this isn’t serious. What makes it seem not like a big deal to you?”
Teen:
“Everyone vapes. It’s just flavors—better than smoking. I’ve tried it a few times but like I said, it’s not a big deal.”
Parent:
“Sounds like you see it as something most people your age do and maybe safer than cigarettes.” (reflects)
“What have you heard about how vaping affects your brain and body?”
Teen:
“Honestly, not much. I mean, it’s just vapor. It relaxes me sometimes.”
Parent:
“So for you it can feel calming, and you’re not sure about the health side. What do you think are the upsides and downsides of vaping?”
Teen (pauses, thinking):
“Upsides… I guess it helps when I’m stressed or bored. Some of my friends do it, so it’s kinda social.
Downsides… I’ve heard it’s expensive and people say it can mess up your lungs. And maybe it’s addictive.”
Parent:
“You like the stress relief and the social part, and you’re aware it might harm your health and cost money. That’s a thoughtful way of looking at it.”
Teen (sighs):
“Okay… it is mine. I’ve been vaping for a while. I didn’t want you to freak out.”
Parent:
“Thank you for being honest. That takes courage. I’m not here to yell; I’m here because I love you and want to figure this out together.
What worries you most—if anything—about continuing to vape?”
Teen:
“Probably getting addicted. I don’t want to need it, but it’s hard to stop when my friends are all doing it.”
Parent:
“It sounds like you’re noticing it’s harder to quit than you thought, and the social piece makes it tricky.
Would you be open to talking about some ways to deal with stress or hang out with friends that don’t involve vaping?”
Teen:
“Maybe… yeah, I guess.”
Parent:
“Great. Let’s start small. We can look up information together and find some support if you want.
I’m really proud of you for talking with me about this.”
The most important skills in this conversation are staying calm, asking open-ended questions, reflecting, and affirming. Staying calm keeps the talk from turning into a fight. Open-ended questions like “What do you think are the upsides and downsides of vaping?” invite your teen to share more than a simple yes or no. Reflecting means repeating back what you hear—such as “It sounds like you feel it helps with stress”—so your teen knows you are really listening. Affirming is when you point out their honesty or effort, which helps them feel respected and supported. Together, these skills build trust and make it more likely your teen will open up and work with you on next steps.
Here are some other common teen comments you may hear with responses you may find helpful:
If you’re worried about your teen and unsure how to start the conversation, you don’t have to figure it out alone. We offer free, confidential guidance to help parents plan what to say, practice the words, and feel more confident before talking with their child. Whether you need tips for a first discussion, ideas for setting limits, or a full action plan, our helpline specialists can walk you through each step. Connect with us here for additional help.