The Constant Compulsion

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Everything started for me when I was in 7th grade. The summer between 6th and 7th grade I smoked weed for the first time, and decided I liked it. My neighbors older cousin came in from St. Louis and found some pot, we smoked it in a joint. After that I decided I liked it and stole weed from various family members that had it.

I only smoked weed until 8th grade, then I met a 21 year old that would buy alcohol for me and my friends for a small fee. I quickly became quite popular in my school, as I was 'that guy' that could buy alcohol for everybody. I loved it, I was invited to all the parties. Preps, goths, punks, hippies, skaters, stoners, goths, arts geeks, jocks, all of them bought through me and invited me to their parties. It was only a matter of time until the next step.

In the summer between 8th and 9th grade my friends heard of this drug called "triple C' they call them 'skittles' now. They are Coricidan Cough and Cold pills, the active drug in them is dextramethorphane. This drug creates confusion, stuttered thought processes, it causes brain damage, stomach aches and vomiting but for some reason my group of friends and I liked it. We ended up in a competition over who could do the drug the most days in a row. I won after doing it every day for 6 weeks. This is the beginning of me blacking out years at a time of my life.

I didn't get along in school well and ended up getting expelled for the second time for weed, after I was busted for weed in expulsion school i had nowhere else to go. My family decided to move up to the mountains. For the next couple years I lived in the mountains. When I was 16 I quit school and found a job. Somehow I found a way to buy alcohol almost every night. After I found a job I thought it was great, I would work for the week then take a bus into town and buy large amounts of drugs. Then I would hand them out to everybody at the party. After we found exstacy we never went back to 'triple c', but we did move ahead. I did exstacy every day for 3 months straight, I started vomiting up blood. One time I did it for three days straight, in the middle of day 2 a friend of mine OD'ed just trying to keep up with me. He ended up going to rehab for the year. Things progressively got worse.

The drugs started going by faster now. After the exstacy, meth came by. We only smoked the meth, then we got into crack cocaine. After that the rage was mushrooms and LSD. These years went by really fast for me. Then I turned 18 and ended up getting puddled with LSD. Getting puddled means you are given many hits of LSD, when it is in liquid form the LSD forms a puddle under your tongue. I went into a bad trip and didn't stop tripping for 3 weeks. I couldn't sleep for 3 nights of hell. Because of this I ended up going sober for 1 year. I loved that year, I dreamed so clear it was like I was awake 24 hours a day. During this sober period i met a woman and became engaged, then married. I quickly destroyed this marraige when I found cocaine again. This is one of the things that haunts me the most, how I hurt that woman. She is still the most honest woman I have ever met besides my mother, I wonder where she is today. If you are out there Chelsea, I love you and I am sorry.

After I found cocaine I started staying up for days at a time, neglecting my bills, my job, my family. I lost my job and my apartment. I moved back in with my mom, and did not invite my wife to come. This was when we broke up. The cocaine led to alcohol abuse, Ketamine, LSD, LSA, Xanax. But then the true devil of my life came into play. Opiates.

By now I was selling drugs out of the gas station i worked at, the dealer I went through had gang connections and I was able to get drugs at half the price of anybody in my neighborhood. This was when I started getting into opiates. It started with Percocet, the 7.5 and 10mg's. I started using these, but then i found a much stronger drug for cheaper. Morphine. A lot of people don't like Morphine but I did, so I sold Percocet and did morphine every day. I could find 100mg Morphine's for 10 dollars. The morphine led to Methadone. They were in pill form, 10mg's. When you do methadone before you do heroin it gets you VERY VERY high for several days at a time. I ended up high for two months without even realizing it.

At this time I was living in a house with two friends. It was a large, 3 bedroom house that we were renting. My roommate was my drug dealer, and he was one of the worst people I have ever met. He would cook meth in our bathtub when we were out of the house. He was cooking fentanal on the stove. To explain what time of person he was; he would go to high schools and convince the high schoolers to shoot up meth. Then he would teach them how to burglarize homes. He was a very bad person.

By this time I was starting to realize my life was getting out of control, I was selling hundreds of dollars of painkillers a day, I had a big habit, and our house was turning into a tweaker den. So I took the money I had made, 3000 dollars,  and got a hotel in Seattle. I took the greyhound there and quit cold turkey in a hotel room in Seattle. I would make myself feel better by drinking alcohol. I went to Seattle addicted to Methadone, i came back a much more socially acceptable alcoholic. By this time I was 21.

I spent the next few years thinking I didn't have a problem. Sure I drank every night, but thats better than drugs right? That is what I would tell myself while my compulsive need to drink became worse and worse. It got to the point that I could not sleep without alcohol. I would sweat and mind race all night, then buy alcohol as soon as the liquor store would open in the morning. Soon I was going into jobs drunk, I would spend all my extra money at the bars on weekends, and I was constantly getting hurt and making a fool of myself. My constant compulsion for more was becoming stronger and more engrained year by year.

I did this until one month before my 24th birthday. This was when I met a girl that had a very strong affect on my life, we ended up smoking heroin. This drug was new and it was different. You felt high like on weed but without any of the weird feelings. You felt blissful, and at first there was no hangover. Wow, i would think, everything I heard about this drug is wrong. I can do it and there are no side affects. How horribly wrong I was.

At first we were doing it once or twice a week but soon we were smoking it every night. Then every morning. After about three weeks of doing it morning, noon, and night I got a weird feeling. I didnt have the money to pay for it and I felt like I had the flu. I would go from being really hot to really cold, I felt weak like I couldn't get up, and I was getting aches all over in my legs and back. This was the first time I was junk sick.

As our habit grew worse our lives steadily became worse and worse. I lost my job, now we had to figure out how to get money everyday. We started stealing electronics and clothes from stores to return them back, or pawn or sell them. We started stealing from our friends and families. It became common to get tackled by a security guard from a mall, or running from the police. We started shooting up the heroin, meth, cocaine. Now needles were everywhere, soon my family would not let us stay there anymore. Now we were homeless. In my addiction I ended up losing everything I owned. I pawned my guitars, my dvd's, everything that had value was gone. All of my friends and family wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I watched my girlfriend OD in front of me, turning blue and green and going into cardiac arrest. Then one of the best things of my life happened to me, i got arrested.

I ended up in jail for 70 days. By the time I went into jail I had not been sober for any extended amount of time for 10 years. The first week was agony, I screamed and was put in the S.H.U or 'shoe'. I threw up, had chills, pains, insomnia. I did not sleep more than 2 hours at a time for 3 weeks, it was agony. But after the first 10 days I started to normalize. Heroin actually changes the way your brain works so when you quit your brain actually has to fix itself. I went to N.A, and A.A. I started working out. And I felt better.

I have been clean and sober for 6 months now, and if I can do it, so can you. I know how it feels to feel hopeless, to feel already dead. I hated myself and I hated what I was doing, but I couldn't stop. I just needed to not be sick, and I would have robbed an old lady if I had to to get my fix. I look back and thank God everyday that I did not die, or end up in trouble for something way worse than just felony possession. The point is though, you have the power to get clean. The biggest pillar is support, find support, reach out. Stop contributing to this cancer on our society. You could end up dead or end up killing somebody you care about. If you don't think you deserve it or feel like you are beyond hope, I understand. And I will tell you now, you may feel unloved, or unlovable. But I love you, because I understand. And there are many people like me out there. You can do it. i know you can.

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    August 20, 2014 at 12:58 AM

    This story was very powerful. Congratulations on your sobriety! Every day that we decide to live clean is a celebration!

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