Relapse after 3 1/2 years

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My name is Jamie, I am now 28, almost 29 and have been clean again for 3 1/2 years.

By the time I was 20, I had hit what I thought was a bottom. I was lying to my family for money, selling my personal belongings, and stealing, to feed my habit. I finally admitted that I would not be able to stop unless "I went away," meaning treatment. So I reached out to a family friend who was a counselor at the local treatment center. He got me set up for treatment and I was on my way about a month and a half after I had admitted I needed help. I got to treatment as a naive 20 year old. At this point in my life, I didn't know much about drugs, I just knew I liked doing them. I was doing coke, weed, and swallowing pills at this point. But when I got to treatment, I felt out of place. the other women were all alcholics or meth addicts. They had all lost everything, and were completely desperate. I called my dad that night and he drove across the state to pick me up the day after he drove me there. I begged and pleaded with him to come pick me up, and promised to stay clean and go to meetings. I stayed clean for 12 days, then went and smoked some weed with a "friend." The following day I felt so much guilt and shame, so I called someone on the phone list I had gotten from my first meeting. she told me to go to the noon meeting. so I did, and that day was 5/3/05. I stayed clean until December of 2008. during those 3 years I had went thru a lot. but life got really good. I had an amazing sponsor, I worked the steps up to 8, but then stopped. about 6 months of not working the steps, and just sitting on this list of people I hurt, I ended up relapsing. when I look back, I see that I was beginning to hang around unhealthy people. I had over 3 years clean and was hanging out with guys that were brand new in the program. making bad decisions, and not caring about anything. until it lead me to smoking heroin.

I smoked that whole day with a boy, and ended up with a needle in my arm that night. as soon as that day happened, my life started to end, though I had no idea. I started shooting up everyday. I was instantly back to full blown addiction within a day. At this point in my life, I was a nanny for my niece and nephew, until my family found out what I was doing. I was living with my mom, but she kicked me out. so I moved in with my dad, pretending I wasn't using. a few days later, my dad found me with dope and kicked me out as well. by this point I was waiting for a treatment bed again. I didn't really want to quit, but I knew I should. so when my dad kicked me out, i called an old friend from the program, and he let me stay at his house. I even convinced him and his wife to let me use at their house, until I was sent to treatment. they loved me no matter what, and for that, I will be forever grateful. Them, and one other woman from the program, were the only ones who were actually there for me when I really needed them. so eventually I got a treatment bed, but again, I left the day after I got there. but this time, it was because I wasn't ready to stop. but no one would come to my side this time. I had burned too many bridges, and lied an stole from everyone. the only person I got to come get me, was someone I was using with. I kept using for a few more months, until I was given the opportunity for help. this time, it was thru the methadone program. I started there in December 2009, and am still there today. I have been clean again for 3 1/2 years.

I am now pregnant with my first child, and couldn't be happier to be clean. Sure life is hard, I was cheated on by my baby's father when I was 6 months pregnant, so of course I left him. I am going to have my baby within the next 2 weeks. these past 3 months since I left her dad, have been the hardest of my life. and not once have I thought that using would fix it. I never wanted to go get high. the obsession and desire do go away. and when life happens when we are clean, we can walk thru it. yes it can be painful, I've never felt as much pain in my whole life, as I did when the love of my life cheated on me. but I didn't use. and that is a miracle for any drug addict.

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