My Life: Childhood, Depression, Addiction

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Since before I can remember and on account of my mother's countless hours of video I was a (chubby) little boy without fear, a simile on my face, a giggle wasn’t ever too far behind me and my gold baby curls on my head. A time in everyone’s life that seems to be short live and easily forgotten, being a toddler.

Then school starts and anxiety sets in though I didn’t know what to call it or even what it was in the moment, to this day I hate canker sores. Not too much longer basketball started and I met the famous Rod Creech, who taught many lessons and helped just as much as he took me away from being that innocent toddler. But, even through elementary school, thanks to my parents, I wanted to help others and was actually a “Peer Mediator” in the 5th grade. School is where I was usually reserved, disciplined in my work, and very much an introvert.

Another thing I remember going up that has made me the person I am is being the second child. Among many implications that being the second and also youngest is the joy of not being “Aaron” to my brothers friends aka “lil Sam, Sam's little brother, of yeah I remember/taught Sam. Another thing is the expectations to live up to what Sam has done to go along with someone who always reminded you there was someone taller, better, faster or smarter at any challenge known to man. I know one of the most impactful things that used to be a joke around the house, before we knew what my life would get to, was Sam was the loved child. He was the loved child because he was older and I felt that all the chores were passed down to me and Sam never had to do anything. I say this is a though thing because there is a fine line between sarcasm and the truth and because looking now at all the pain I have caused I’m sure this never made things easier. Though all of this seems negative, at the end of the day he was still my first best friend I had, at least once 2 player games came out so I could with him.

As most people know entering middle school is when sports becomes more than just a thing to do in your spare time. Coming along with sports means a lot of emotions are left both on and off the pitch, at least compared to my choir concerts. Though basketball was a crucial and symbolic part of my life, I did play football, but was the cleanest kid on the team so I think we know how that goes. As for baseball, middle school is around where I started not having much fun and started to become more vocal about my opinion to my coach, dad. I was ‘forced’ to play despite my many complaints, though now I can see why. In the end I think baseball put more of a strain on my relationship with my father than it did anything else.

Basketball has always been my heaven and became my hell. Naturally as a reserved second child who liked helping others and has good vision/mind I played point guard. Outside of the classroom, basketball was maybe my one true passion. To this day to me nothing is more peaceful than an empty gym and my Dre Beats. All of my life through middle school was basketball and baseball every weekend it seemed, though in my spare time I was more likely shooting hoops than throwing any baseball or football.

If I thought starting elementary school was challenging, I had to make a decision to go to Penn or St. Joe. All my friends were going on to Penn, but the down side was my spot on the basketball team looked like a second string role at best all 4 years. While St. Joe offered the luxury of being Sam's little brother and no friends, it offered a more promising basketball career. So after much thought I decided to choose the ‘easy’ route of St. Joe. As I said I think basketball is symbolic of my life and really correlates to how my life is doing overall.  And basketball wasn’t great freshmen year, I thought I should have been moved to JV and ended up not playing too often on the freshmen team due to being what I consider basically an outsider in the catholic school coming from the public schools. One memory of freshmen year basketball that pretty much sums it up is playing Penn and when I finally played they put me in at the power forward position and I was left trying to post up Tyler Dvorak which is mind blowing to this day. Again while my brother, a junior, in his 3rd year on the varsity squad.

So, not liking the treatment I was getting from the basketball team and the school in general as well as being an outcast, let alone quitting the baseball team midseason for the same reasons I decided to take my talents back to Penn like I thought I was in the NBA. Penn forced me to dedicate my life to basketball, which was totally different than what St. Joe was doing and I bought into it. Though again, I’m the kid who left the team for a year and now is back so I’m fighting for the respect of coaches, old friends, and also new teammates. I do remember my first play as a Kingsmen, I was subbed in at Point Guard extremely nervous given its my first game and the first time down the floor the person guarding me didn’t realize I was newly subbed in and was not guarding me and I shot a three from the top of the key and made it. This is ironic because I also remember telling my teammate on the bench before I got in that if I was open when I got in I was going to be chucking it up. I can’t remember too much of importance about this season besides the fact I earned my starting spot fairly early in the season and never let go.  Oh, another fun story of sophomore year basketball was playing St. Joe, whom at this time had one of the best JV teams in the area because their varsity team was loaded with seniors (my brother). Me having extra motivation because of my transfer played one of the best games of my life, seemingly doing nothing wrong and even getting made fun of by Sam’s varsity teammates in the stands because of how excited I was while playing. Furthermore, in the varsity game, the Penn student section chanting “Aaron’s better” was the icing on the cake. But there was a sophomore who was the varsity point guard and the main reason I went to St. Joe my freshmen year.

Sophomore year is also the year I gave into peer pressure. If you haven’t noticed I haven’t mentioned friends or any particular names, because I wasn’t the most popular kid given my transfer situation. At this point Sam is a senior, whom for at least 2 years, has been trying to get me to smoke or drink because I believe he saw the tense kid I was becoming. But like the mommy’s boy that I am I said no countless times and basketball was a priority, but this night I don’t know what changed but I decided to get drunk on a Thursday with Sam and his friends. Lets just say I made it to school with a bottle of water and no book bag and I haven’t drank beer since that night.  I could be wrong but I don’t believe I drank again the rest of the year. I can recall my mother allowing me to take ‘senior’ skip day with Sam and his buddies, whom all decided to go fishing which ended in no rods and a power hour and by noon Sam and 2 or 3 buddies were passed out and I was the one sitting sober laughing at them.

The end of my sophomore year comes to an end and I’m getting pressure again from my dad because he and I see the inevitable happening, which is the same one that made me go to St Joe freshmen year. So I choose again to transfer back to St. Joe, hopeful of getting a varsity spot my senior year, given the fact I would be mandated to play JV because I am a transfer, my junior year.

Junior year basketball was probably my favorite year playing basketball. I should (in my eyes) been competing for a starting spot on the varsity squad but being forced to play JV I was by far the best player on the court in most games. One highlight of this season was going to play Bishop Luers whose undefeated varsity squad had the Ohio State guard, now San Antonio Spur Deshaun Thomas and an undefeated JV squad whom all thought we were this little catholic school with no chance unless a junior point guard played the game of his life. Which undoubtedly in my mind without my ball handling and passing (unlike the scoring of my game against St. Joe the year prior) would have been blown out the building like our varsity team, which we ended up beating the JV team. At the moment I don’t remember playing Penn, which means we probably, lost. Ha I may change this but right now that’s what I got. Like I said, this was definitely my favorite year.
My junior year I was also allowed to take the envoy down to see Sam for the beloved Little 500 at IU. For those of you whom don’t know about Little 5 read a flipping book.  The biggest party weekend in the state and I still dislike drinking at this point. But when I get down to IU I get pressured into something totally different, smoking weed, again now after at least 3 years of saying no I finally give in. I didn’t get high the first time, but the next day I began chasing a high I could never duplicate. I was a happy, carefree, no stress, head in the clouds, out of this world state of mind, literally hands up in the back seat like I was on a roller coaster.  At the time this was the greatest thing that ever happened to me and now looking back it was too great. I believe this was the very same weekend where Sam and his friends needed more booze, so sober Aaron drove two girls to the gas station to get more beer and got pulled over, blowing 0.0 and got a ticket for minor possession, dead sober.

The rest of my junior year and begging of my senior year I smoke whenever possible and drink more often. I began showing up to preseason workouts high and even for tryouts I was high. Thinking that there wasn’t a question of if I was going to make the team or not the final day of tryouts came and I can still hear the names of who made the team. The only senior who got cut that year was myself. After roughly 15 years of giving my life to basketball and 2 (really 3) transfers, my ass never saw a minute of varsity basketball, depression.

Not like oh I just broke up with my 8th grade girl friend, like I broke up with my wife of 15 years depression. I was 18 and had a rough relationship with my father, and a mother whom I didn’t want to see hurt, no real friends (maybe 3), and a girlfriend who I started dating junior year when my drinking became more frequent. Seemingly nowhere to turn I saw my best friend, Mary (weed), and St. Pats park to ‘play disc golf’ where my mom thought I was safe. I smoked and drank and never looked back. My depression was obviously bad, and I took more than necessary out on my father because it was hard to blame basketball aka my use of marijuana for me being upset. This is the first time I saw a counselor and was put on anti-depressants. I was very bad about taking my medicine on a regular schedule, which is worse for the depression than not taking them at all.  I have my dad in me, so I though why not get enough weed to give to some of my friends and make mine cheaper or free, yes I’m dealing weed in very small portions. Senior year completes with only a few run-ins with mom where she knew I was high, dad totally oblivious. I’m sure I went to little 5 again and don’t remember (**recurring theme**) it, smoking my brains out. By the end of the year I’m smoking daily if not more, drinking on the weekends, and still depressed. Oh, and I blew a 0.3 at probably 1 in the morning driving to a friends house the night of graduation. I get the OK to go to IU for college, Sam is still there to I have a “guardian” in my mothers eyes, still believing my dad didn’t really care where I went.

College, we may as well say hell, if I thought I smoked a lot at home, now I have a friend (not my brother), whom had his own apartment which I went to nearly if not every day to smoke and on the weekend drink. I probably should have paid part of the rent. Weed is expensive so I continue giving some to my friends so mine is cheaper, but now I have a few more “friends” aka customers not really friends in my eyes. So, I’m smoking more weed, skipping class, blacking out, depressed, living in a dorm. Between my buddy's place and my girlfriend's who also came to IU, I didn’t make any new friends unless they needed some weed or had some weed or wanted to drink.  Obviously, my depressed, sleeping too much, smoking too much, selling weed, and being anti-social isn’t the key to maintaining a girl friend. Better yet, I want to explore the “opportunities” with all the girls in college (ok, Mr. Antisocial), so I break up with my girl friend for this reason. Which obviously isn’t good for my depression and irregular use of my medication (medication, I have weed for that mentality), so I have mixed emotions I want my girl friend back. So, literally the next night after I broke up with her I call her in tears, saying please come talk to me whatever I want you back, and I hear another guy (frat guy, don’t get me started) tell her to hang up the phone and she listens. If I wasn’t hurt enough, the last thing I wanted was for another guy to be in her life, especially the very next day. Depressed, late at night in my dorm room I can’t smoke, irregular mediation use, thoughts, more thoughts, bad thoughts, (oh my roommate is gone, frat life), worse thoughts, I don’t want to live thought, wish I had a gun, wish I had a huge knife, oh great I have a butter knife (thank the lord), I wish this butter knife was super sharp but its not, so I cut my wrists and don’t even have scars to show for it.

I made a rap freshmen year……

“This is my life ain't got no fun,
ain’t got a gun but I only need one,
whap to the head then it'd all be done,
wouldn’t have to worry about having no one,
desire someone even if its only one,
Just trying to get by every changing season,
Iike [Tu]Pac said I’ve seen better days,
Now I'm just sittin here in a daze,
Don’t know what’s up or what’s down,
But my life always has this fucking frown,
When you see me it my be upside down
but Im just acting like a fucking clown,
when im not drunk or in the sky,
I have this urge that I wanna cry,
Hoping that Ill end up in the sky.”

I remember making this in my dorm room hallway while everyone including my roommate was asleep. This was right around the time of my suicidal thoughts, I believe after my incident. I’ve really only showed that to about less than 10 people, my mom heard it not too long ago.

So yeah, some how I convince my parents I’m ok to stay at IU my sophomore year, Sam’s a senior, I’m living with great people (honestly, not druggies) so I move to the beloved Villas (IU people know). Sophomore year, depressed, still wanting my ex, an even bigger weed dealer (up to OZ now). Now, I don’t have to leave my house to smoke. I smoke normally, when I wake up, after class, after class again, after dinner, with my buddies, and before bed daily. This kind of repeats doesn’t stop and of course I’m drinking on top of this like I was freshmen year. Most of my friends go to Ivy Tech in Bloomington, though some do go to IU. One night, drunk I meet this beautiful girl on the corner of 17th and Dunn and some how get her back to my place and like my marijuana addiction, she (God knows why) sticks by my side. Must have been the hundreds of dollars, pile of weed, and my own apartment (she was a freshmen). Shortly after meeting her I start to dabble in other drugs that my Ivy Tech friends were into, hey take a bar (Xanax) it’ll make drinking and smoking better. Well those just made me fall asleep. Then they told me to try a blue (OxyCotin) which I don’t know why didn’t stick at the time to me. But then I told my weed dealer about it and he said that’s (blues) are too expensive, if you do that you may as well do some dope (Heroin) which I tried and got terribly sick after and vowed Id never do it again, and then got some the next night then really never did it for the rest of the year. Some how (again not fully remembering) I tried in a totally difference since than weed the best drug of my life, Molly aka ecstasy, this drug is indescribable, it’s the exact opposite of everything I felt for the longest time, super happy, outgoing, loving, talkative, body buss, heaven in a powder, awesome. If it wasn’t this year it was early junior year I tried cocaine for the first time and from what I hear, I’m glad my cocaine was heavily cut and I didn’t feel much nor did I like it.  So by the end of junior year, my good buddy gets caught selling weed and I pick up his load (of course), now I’m buying a QP, yes Quarter Pound of weed. To put in perspective, a “normal” buyer would get an 8th of an Ounce. I do this through the summer and by the end of summer I’m sick of constantly looking out my window for cops and constantly counting my money and weed to make sure I can pay my dude back, I decide I’ve had enough and I want to stop, and good for me I did.  So by the start of junior year I’m in most people’s eyes lucky to be alive and luckier to be in school.

Now we start junior year I move in with two kids I’m familiar with one I know is a druggie and one is about to graduate Kelly School of Business, as well my buddy who got caught selling is in town and usually at the house. So I’m not selling weed, but I’m doing any drug I can find which most times it was a downer, like OxyCotin. Then those became more frequent, then I was in small amounts dealing Oxys to make mine cheaper. Then one day someone asked if I wanted to trip acid, if your ever semi-depressed bad choice, I tripped I made it through the night somehow. Then not a month later someone asked if I wanted to do a designer chemical that was like acid and ecstasy, so me being me said sure and why not do two drops instead of one. Bad, bad, bad, don’t do something in a clear bottle you don’t know what it is and don’t do 2 of it, and then don’t try to drive. I made it to my place, but don’t even remember getting there. I came to in an ambiance not really thinking much of it, went back to “sleep”, woke up again screaming my guts out that I was going to die in this hospital bed. Any nurse that walked by I was yelling for their attention. It came to my attention when I talked to my parents I was very near going to the psych ward. The toxicology report showed I had acid, ecstasy, alcohol, klonapin (anti-anxiety), marijuana, vyvance, and I believe oxycotin in my system. The doctors thought it was a suicide attempt, and I was “just trying to have fun”.

So, mother came down to see me. Not good. She didn’t know the toxicology report, and asked what the hell I was doing in the hospital, I said it was a one time thing I only smoke weed, it wont happen again. Lying my ass off not to go home, well she let my ass looking worse than Casper the ghost (probably 115lbs tops) stay at IU but she was drug testing me, only for marijuana. Fine by me, I got her to tell me when my tests where going to be so I could sober up (at least get the weed out) by the time the test was, but I continued taking blues and anything that wasn’t weed.  Shortly after this blues became heroin, yeah that drug I said I’d never do again. I ended up snorting heroin for a month straight at 20 bucks a day. (a little less because it’s expensive so I gave some to friends/clients ha). After that month was up I went to South Bend for spring break.

Now, I’ve seen various counselors over the course of my depression, but this particular doctor didn’t know I did anything but smoke weed, kind of like my mother. I walked in and I have no idea why, but one of the first things out of my mouth was I’ve been doing heroin everyday for the past month. He immediately went and got my mother who worked in the office, which at the time severely pissed me off and maybe is boarder-line illegal of him to do (but ended up saving my life), and made me tell her what I told him. This lead to immediate calls for rehab and anyone who knew anything was called. Not even a week later I was admitted into Hazelden Center for Youth and Families. But the worst part of the story, the night before I left I ended up taking 3 times the normal amount of OxyCotin (90mg) that I usually take, luckily I made it to the next morning.

I spent 1 month in intensive inpatient then another in outpatient, This one month stay in inpatient was the longest I’ve been sober in 5 years. I know I talked about my end of high school and college without many emotion besides my one horrible night of depression, because that’s what the drugs did to me I felt nothing for 5 years, and only had one thing on my mind and that was catching my next high. Hazelden changed that for me, but the main thing it told me was to accept, not only my past but accept me. I never truly loved myself, I’ve always felt inferior in some way, shape, or form.  I learned to notice my emotions and channel them in positive ways, to communicate with people in a proper manner, to not be so shy or scared (mainly because I accept myself).

Rehab isn’t a fun or cool place, there is no cell phones, you can’t smoke cigarettes, you can’t do what ever you feel, you have chores, you get up early, you make your bed, you are told when its ok to watch TV (rarely), and it was f***ing snowing in March (Minneapolis, Minnesota), I was given 2 ten minute phone calls a day (which obviously I had to wait in line at least 10 to 20 minutes each call, unless I was lucky) and everyday 1 went to my girlfriend (who surprisingly babied me through the worst years of my life) and the other to my mother or sometimes my brother (if I got a second call). Only immediate family was allowed to visit once every two weeks and every second week I saw my brother. (the only time I’ve cried writing this was that sentence) Another positive thing about rehab was I spend more time with a basketball in my hand in 30 days (more like the first 2 day) than I did since I got cut from the varsity squad. Because of my passion for basketball and my good behavior (I suppose), another person and myself were chose to go to the Minnesota Twolves game and I think that was the first time I called my mother genuinely happy since high school. (Ok 2nd tear)
I do my second month in outpatient and life is seemingly better than ever. But, I get out and back to Indiana the week of little 500; obviously the only person besides my family I want to see is my girlfriend. But as its little 500 I cannot go to Bloomington for my own good. I understood it was little 500 and she wouldn’t want to leave, but I wanted her to meet me at least on Sunday for a little bit somewhere between south bend and Bloomington, maybe I’d go as far as Indy since she had school. But she told me she couldn’t because her friends were there and it was too last minute to plan a trip. Devastated, again after endless waiting and short phone calls and doing everything to make myself better she can’t leave her “party” to see her newly sober boyfriend. It really irritated me so I broke up with her, as per the advice of everyone I heard from at rehab. I didn’t feel right and I really wanted to be with her, just like my previous girlfriend, so I finally convinced my parents to let me go see her in the summer when no one was there. I had already in my mind even in rehab that I was going to continue drinking when I got out (I never liked drinking and it really wasn’t my problem, cough cough). So, I see her we start drinking, having a seemingly good night then we start to fight I’m super pissed I try to go to my old place and my keys are in South Bend. I’m locked out, cant go back to her place and mostly everyone is gone from Bloomington. So I call my (honestly) great roommates from sophomore year that I know who only smoke weed and drink. So I crash on their couch, but before I fall asleep the roommate who really doesn’t know we starts smoking weed in the living room (aka my make shift bedroom), I decide to take a hit, addiction.

I was told that I was more likely to die than see graduation. As I write this I’m closing in on 11 months from any hard drugs, 6 months from having a girl friend, but I’ve also lived 6 months with my best friend whose sleeping at my feet, Molly and only 3 months until I walk for graduation. I may not have the best grades, but I have way more knowledge than what that number says. I couldn’t possibly fit every detail of my life into this story and I would love to tell everything, but hopefully this helps someone, somewhere, some way. I’m going to finish up by talking about my personal relationships and hopefully that gives enough insight to fill the gaps and tell what life is like for me now. Though I still drink and occasionally smoke weed, I do envision a sober life in the future.

My honestly good roommates sophomore year- these guys show me what a true relationship is all about, we weren’t the greatest of friends before college but we all knew of each other beforehand. I can’t thank you guys enough for all that you do for me, even if you don’t think you are doing much you are and keep doing what your doing. You guys are really my only friends who will be graduating with me. Thanks.

My addict buddies- when I got out of rehab you all had moved on to shooting up and that really made me glad I went when I did, but I’m also glad I can say I helped you guys realize where you were going. We addicts are not bad people and you guys are still some of my best friends. You that are still struggling I hope you can see the light that makes sobriety worth it. As I think you all know if you ever need any help please let me know. You guys will always be in my hearts because we have had some great times together but we’ve also seen each other at our worst. One Love, Keep Fighting.

My unmentioned backbone (Matt Kerkemeyer)- I didn’t talk about you once, but don’t know where I’d be without you. Though it may seem like I’m helping you more than me, every lesson I tell you is something that needs to be said to me. I know more than anyone else I can always count on you and you can always count on me. You are my best friend, because even when we are apart we can always know where to find each other. We have cried on each other’s shoulders many of times. I can’t imagine a story of mine without mentioning you.  I wish you the best and I know you will excel wherever you go. Thanks for always being by my side.

My 2 mentioned ex-girlfriends- We have both hated and loved each other, and probably both at the same damn time.  Everyone only sees the bad but I will never forget the good times either. You both have made me who I am today, and I am thankful for both of you. As you can see relationships were never a big part of my life, but some how you stuck with it. As with everyone else I do hope the best for you, and on some level I loved you and therefore will never stop. As much as I want to blame everyone else for my problems and why our relationship ended the only way I can point is myself. After looking at my life, I was the problem. You two are beautiful women and I know you both will be happy in the end. If either of you need anything please don’t hesitate to ask. Even after (seemingly) making me want to kill myself and (seemingly) walking away when I was getting to my best I still can honestly say I love both of you, you both at some level kept me alive.

My current Girlfriend, Molly (Yes my dog)- You are the reason I don’t do drugs, stay out late, still have depression, and even wake up in the morning to take you potty. I think you already know this but you really are the best. I’ve never had a pet nor an unconditional relationship. You let me know when I’m ignoring you to long, need to eat, and constantly are a reminder of my past. Yes you are named after my favorite drug, but now when I hear molly I think of you and not my past. This is getting a little creepy even for me, but I couldn’t leave you out. Thanks, Love you.

Linden- You were a childhood friend going to the same elementary, Penn, and then IU. We grew apart over the years but it was always great randomly seeing you around or while you were working at the Hoo Den. I will never forget and always strive to live life the way you did with a smile that was contagious, never a mean word, and a heart as big as your smile. Unfortunately, you made your greatest impact on my life after your death, and I often question why you instead of me I guess ill never know. But your funeral put into reality what I was wishing upon my family and friends when my depression was at its worst, but when that couldn’t stop my addiction. Furthermore in rehab they stress the belief in a higher power, you are my higher power. I would often pray and talk to you which I know you know. You got me through the hardest time of my life when I was isolated not only from drugs but from my family. Though I have been getting bad, there normally isn’t a time where I go to South Bend and don’t visit you. I’m deeply saddened you were taken so soon, but even after your death you still make a positive impact. Until we meet again, thanks for everything and please keep guiding me in the right direction.

Sam- I just want to start by saying I don’t blame you for getting me started, and I have no resentment toward you. I think you were doing what any brother would. We have gotten so much closer since I went to rehab and it’s been great. We talked on the phone for 30 minutes the other day, and I hate talking on the phone. You have been there and I know you will continue to do that. We have obviously disagreed in the past and will disagree in the future. But I know if all else fails and I can’t tell mom and dad you’ll be the first person I seek out.  Love doesn’t know distances and I’m thankful for everything you do. I don’t know why it took me until rehab to notice I was taking you for granted, but I’m glad we are closer than ever. Love you.

Dad- I know we have had our differences, but I’m glad we both decided to leave those in the past with my addiction. I know we wont always see eye to eye but now I know what ever the problem is we can get past it. As much as my addiction hated you, just like Sam I’m glad we are closer than ever. I know you would do anything in the world for me and you’ll make me do the things I don’t want to do, I know you always have my best interests in mind.  Sorry to keep this short, but I’m thinking about this next section that I’ll struggle to write. Love you dad.

Mom- The one person I’ll never have a doubt if they love me or not. The only female in a house of boys. I admire so much about you, especially your strength. You put up with so much and got nothing in return. I told you some things I shouldn’t have been telling my mother. I’ve been the worst, depressed, asshole to you and that still didn’t change a thing. I’ve broken your heart more times than I can count and you’re always the first one to tell me you love me. I’ve always been a momma’s boy. I’m mainly happy to be here because I know you couldn’t continue without me. It really does show with the time and effort you put into my life and how little I have given back to you. As much as I hate talking on the phone with you and your nagging question and all the other things you do just to annoy me. I wouldn’t change any of it for the world (though that doesn’t mean you can increase the frequency of these things). As much as I like to joke around in serious situations I don’t know where I’d be without you mother, Love you.

Everyone else- thanks for reading to the very end.  I know the people who thought that I was an asshole, dope head, or was too quite may not of read this all but I hope you can see something in me that relates to you.  If there is a point to this my point is that you can’t judge a book by its cover and that everyone struggles.  So the next time you think a negative thought or say something mean, remember that everyone struggles and every one is a sinner. That doesn’t mean these people are bad or don’t have feelings. You never no how are a simple hello, thank you, how are you, or small act like holding the door can make on someone’s day and even their life.  Also if anyone ever needs anything or wants to talk more deeply about anything my life or yours please there is always a way to contact me that’s the greatest thing (and the worst) thing about our time. We can talk to anyone in the world but how much do you really “know” about your friends?

Me- I end this with me because I’m proud. I’m proud to be an addict and proud to be alive. But even still today I talk about hope and love it happiness, but I spend most day alone with my dog, I don’t get out much and I still am shy, weird, and an internal thinker and even sad at times. But I’ve learned to ok with this because that’s me. And you can’t lose any friends if you don’t have any and there are so many people in world that if someone doesn’t want to be my friend or like me than they don’t deserve my love. I’ve also been considering going into clinical psychology with a specialty in addiction, I needed to add this somewhere. I said it before but I hope this helps you get to know me now let someone get to know you. Also a special thanks to Mr. H for letting me get to know him and now you know me.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”

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