As parents, we often worry about who our children choose as friends. We wonder if these friendships will lead our teens toward healthy choices or risky behaviors like substance use. This guide will help you understand teen peer influence, recognize when to be concerned, and learn practical strategies to guide your child’s in—person and online relationships.

The Reality of Teen Peer Influence

When we notice our teen’s new interest in certain clothes, music, or activities, we’re seeing teen peer influence in action. This same influence can affect more serious decisions, including whether to try alcohol, nicotine, or other drugs.

The National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) confirms what many of us fear—teens whose friends use substances are more likely to try them too.¹ However, there’s also good news. A large survey of adolescents and their families found that most young teens don’t feel pressured by friends to use substances. In fact, friends are more likely to support each other in making good choices rather than pushing each other toward risky behaviors.²

Before we focus only on concerns, it’s important to acknowledge that healthy friendships offer our children many benefits:

1. Emotional support: Friends can help our teens handle stress and difficult emotions in positive ways.
2. Positive motivation: Friends often encourage each other to do well in school, sports, and other activities.
3. Social skill development: Through friendships, our teens learn crucial skills like cooperation, conflict resolution, and empathy.
4. Sense of belonging: Having a friend group where they feel accepted meets an important emotional need during the teenage years.

Warning Signs in Peer Relationships

As parents, we should watch for certain red flags that might indicate negative teen peer influence: 

1. Sudden changes in behavior: If your normally outgoing child becomes withdrawn or your rule-following teen starts breaking curfew, peer influence might be a factor. 
2. Secrecy about friends: When teens won’t share information about who they’re hanging out with or what they’re doing, it could signal they’re engaging in activities you wouldn’t approve of. 
3. Academic decline: A sudden drop in grades or interest in school can sometimes be tied to new peer relationships. 
4. Attitude shifts: Major changes in your teen’s values, language, or attitudes might reflect the influence of new friends. 
5. Signs of substance use: Physical symptoms like bloodshot eyes, slurred speech, or unusual smells on clothing could indicate that your teen is experimenting with substances.

Strategies for Guiding Teen Friendships

Get to Know Their Friends

Even with older teens who drive themselves, there are many ways to stay connected to their social circle: 

• Create a welcoming home environment: Stock the pantry with snacks teens enjoy, set up comfortable hangout spaces, and be friendly but not intrusive when friends visit. Making your home a gathering spot for your child and their friends lets you casually observe their interactions. 
• Offer to host meals: Weekend breakfasts, pizza nights, or barbecues can draw teens to your home. One parent said she started a Sunday morning pancake tradition. Her daughter’s friends know they can drop by anytime between 10 and noon. This helped them learn about their weekend activities and upcoming plans. 
• Provide transportation for group events: Driving teens presents a great opportunity to understand what is happening in their world. Even if your teen drives, offer to be the driver for special occasions like concerts or sporting events. This gives you time with their friend group in a natural setting. 
• Engage in genuine conversation: When friends are over, ask thoughtful questions about their interests, activities, and opinions. Try asking about their TikTok videos or the music they’re listening to. This shows you’re interested without seeming like you’re grilling them. 
• Attend school and community events: Go to games, performances, and school functions where your teen’s friends participate. Volunteer at the concession stand during events if you can.  It’s a great way to meet your teen’s friends and their parents. 
• Connect with other parents: Introduce yourself to the parents of your teen’s friends through text, email, or brief phone calls. Create a contact list and occasionally check in. Some parents use a group text with other parents of their teens’ closest friends. They use it to coordinate pickup times or check that planned activities are actually happening. 
• Notice the details: Pay attention when your teen mentions friends in conversation. Follow up with questions about those friends later, showing you listen and remember what’s important to them. 
• Create special one-on-one opportunities: Invite one of your teen’s friends to join a family outing or special activity. For instance, one parent took his son and a friend fishing. In those four hours, he learned more about both boys than he had in months of brief interactions.

Monitor Online Peer Relationships

According to the Pew Research Center, 45% of teens report being online “almost constantly.”³ This digital connection means teen peer influence continues even when they’re physically at home. Online relationships require special attention:

• Know which social media platforms your teen uses 
• Follow or friend your teen on social media (with their knowledge) 
• Use parental controls appropriately for your child’s age and maturity level 
• Have regular conversations about online friendships using questions like “Who do you enjoy following most?” or “What kinds of things do your friends share online?” 

If you are concerned that your teen is spending hours on social media with a new group of friends, have a conversation, not a confrontation. Instead of demanding to see the messages, ask, “What do you all talk about that’s so interesting?” 

• Watch for sudden increases in screen time or secretive device use 
• Be aware of who comments on and interacts with your teen’s posts 
• Discuss how substance use is portrayed on social media 
• Help your teen recognize when peers are glorifying risky behaviors online

Provide Guidance Without Controlling

Child development experts suggest these approaches: 

• Help your teen recognize how friends influence each other 
• Ask questions that prompt critical thinking: “How do you feel when you’re with those friends?” or “What do you think about how your friend treated the teacher in class?” 
• Discuss peer pressure situations before they happen 
• Teach and practice ways to resist substance use and other risky behaviors. 
• Observe friend groups over time rather than making quick judgments 
• Focus on concerning behaviors rather than labeling certain friends as “bad” 

Build Open Communication

Teens who can talk openly with their parents about difficult topics are less likely to engage in risky behaviors. Here’s how to foster that communication: 

Ask open-ended questions 

Instead of questions that can be answered with “yes” or “no,” try these conversation starters that invite more detailed responses: 

• “What was the highlight of your day?” (rather than “Did you have a good day?”) 
• “How do you feel about the party this weekend?” (instead of “Are you going to that party?”) 
• “What do you like about hanging out with Jordan?” (rather than “Is Jordan a good influence?”) 
• “What kinds of things do you and your friends do when you’re at the mall?” (versus “Do you behave at the mall?”) 
• “What do you think about the way drinking was portrayed in that movie?” (instead of “Did you like that movie?”) 
• “How would you handle it if someone offered you drugs at a party?” (rather than “You wouldn’t take drugs, right?”) 

Use “I” statements 

When expressing concerns, using “I” statements helps prevent teens from becoming defensive: 

• “I noticed you’ve been coming home later than we agreed upon, and I’m worried about your safety” (versus “You’re always breaking curfew”) 
• “I feel concerned when I don’t know where you are” (instead of “You never tell me where you’re going”) 
• “I’ve observed that your grades have changed since you started hanging out with this new group, and I’m wondering if there’s a connection” (rather than “Those new friends are ruining your grades”) 
• “I care about you and want to understand what’s happening when you’re with your friends” (versus “What are you hiding?”) 
• “I felt uncomfortable when I smelled alcohol on your jacket, and I’d like to talk about it” (instead of “You’ve been drinking, haven’t you?”) 

For example, it’s easy to accuse and lecture if you find vape cartridges in your teen’s room. Instead, try saying, ‘I found these in your room, and I’m concerned about the health risks. I’d like to understand what’s going on.’ Your teen may still be defensive, but it can help to promote a real conversation instead of a shouting match.

More communication suggestions 

• Create regular one-on-one time where conversations can happen naturally 
• Listen actively without interrupting 
• Acknowledge their feelings even when you disagree with their choices 
• Share appropriate stories from your own teen years 
• Respond calmly to concerning information 
• Express appreciation when they’re honest with you 

Check out our recent article on conversation traps that can happen when talking to your child about substances.

Set Clear Expectations

Establishing clear family rules provides important guardrails: 

• Discuss your standards regarding substance use openly 
• Set specific rules about supervision, curfews, and check-ins 
• Explain the reasons behind your rules using “I” statements: “I set this curfew because I worry about driving safety late at night,” or “I ask you to text me where you’re going because I care about your well-being.” 
• Be consistent with consequences. Be sure to follow through on any consequences you set. 
• Revisit and adjust rules as your teen demonstrates responsibility

What To Do When Your Child's Friends Use Substances

If you discover your teen has friends who use substances:

Stay calm: Avoid panicking or making accusations.

Have a thoughtful conversation: 

• Express specific concerns based on what you’ve observed: “I noticed that ever since you started hanging out with Chris, you’ve been coming home late and seem tired all the time. I’m concerned about what might be happening.” 
• Listen to understand your teen’s perspective: “Can you help me understand what you enjoy about spending time with this group?” 
• Avoid criticizing their friends directly: Instead of “Those kids are trouble,” try “I’m worried about the choices being made when you’re with that group.” 
• Share your concerns clearly: “I care about your future, and I’ve seen how substance use can affect people’s goals and health.” 

Set appropriate boundaries: 

• Limit unsupervised time with peers who use substances 
• Be clear about consequences for breaking family rules 
• Know where your teen is going and with whom. Some parents use location features on smart phones or Facetime with their teens to see that they are where they say they are. 
• Check in regularly when they’re out 

Create alternatives: 

• Host activities at your home where you can supervise 
• Encourage involvement in structured activities with positive peer groups. This could involve recreational sports, art programs, religious or spiritual programs, volunteering and more. 
• Support new friendships with peers who share your family’s values 

Develop a safety plan: 

• Create a code word your teen can text if they need help and are in a sticky situation 
• Promise to pick them up anytime with no immediate judgment 
• Role-play responses to offers of substances 
• Discuss how to recognize unsafe situations

When to Seek Additional Help

Sometimes professional support is needed. Consider reaching out if: 

• Your teen shows signs of substance use despite your interventions 
• Their behavior changes dramatically 
• They become isolated or depressed 
• They refuse to discuss the situation or follow family rules 

Resources include school counselors, therapists and substance use prevention programs. And you can always connect with our helpline for guidance on your situation.

Remember Your Influence Matters

While it might not always seem like it, parents remain the most important influence in a teen’s life. Research shows that teens whose parents talk with them regularly about alcohol and other drugs are less likely to use these substances. 

By staying involved, observing carefully, communicating openly, and setting appropriate boundaries, we can help our teens navigate peer relationships in ways that support their health and wellbeing both now and in the future.