Before jumping into a conversation with your teen, please take the time to read through our guide, Cannabis (Marijuana): What Families Need to Know to Help Protect Children, Teens and Young Adults and Part 1 of Talking to Your Teen About Marijuana. The guide will help you understand the rapidly changing marijuana landscape. And Part 1 offers some useful conversation tips.
Ultimately, there is no “script” for talking with your teen about marijuana. But let’s look at some of the statements your teen might make when you bring up marijuana, and what you can say in response.
Your response: “I know we’ve had conversations about substances before, and I’m sorry if you feel like I’m being a nag. I’ve been staying on top of this topic and learned a few new things since we last spoke that I’d like to share with you.” Taking responsibility and owning up to a teen’s feelings is a good way to reduce resistance.
“I want us to be able to discuss topics because I love you and I want to help during these years when you’re faced with many difficult choices.” This statement shows compassion and understanding for what they are going through.
“My concern is that things are changing quickly with the products, availability and marketing of marijuana. That’s why it’s important that we talk about it. Is now a good time?” Asking permission to have the conversation is helpful for open communication. Be prepared for a possible response of “No, I don’t want to talk about it.” If this happens, ask why. Then have them suggest a time when they would be willing to talk.
Your response: “What do kids at your school say about marijuana?”
“Why do you think alcohol and tobacco companies want to get into the marijuana business?”
“What would you do if you were offered a gummy (or a vape, joint, blunt, etc.)?”
If you find it hard to get your teen to start talking, try asking questions about their friends or classmates. It may be easier for them to talk about someone else. This can lead them to share their thoughts with you. If they don’t want to talk, remind them you’re there for them when they have things on their mind.
Your response: “I’m happy to hear that this is not something you do regularly. The fact is, using any substance use can be harmful at your age because your brain is still developing.” Even though a parent may want their teen not to use any substances, it is important to point out the positive — that this is not something that has become a daily habit.
“I heard you say that you don’t think it’s a big deal.” Repeating what they said in the same or similar words can offer them the chance to tell you more.
“What would make it feel like a big deal to you?”
This gets your teen to think about the future, what their limits are around marijuana use, and what would make it “a big deal.” It will help you understand what is important to them. If use progresses and some of these limits are crossed, you can refer back to this conversation.
“What are some things that keep you from using marijuana more often than you already do?”
This is a question that makes your teen think about the reasons why they don’t want to use marijuana more often. It allows them to think about what it would get in the way of friendships, goals, etc., if they did it more regularly.
Your response: “What is going on in your life that makes you feel like you want to do either?”
This question can easily throw you off course. If it rattles you, posing a question back to them is a good way to “pause” while you think about your answer. Your response may still be met with “nothing” or another one-word answer, but even the word “nothing” can lead to another supportive statement from you, like “I’m glad to hear there isn’t anything going on in your life that makes you want to drink or smoke. I also know it’s unrealistic to think that it isn’t going to be offered to you.”
“Honestly, I don’t want you to be doing anything that can harm you — whether that’s using marijuana, cigarettes, vapes, alcohol, or behaving recklessly. I’m interested in knowing why you think marijuana is safer than alcohol.”
Reminding your teen that you care deeply about their health and well-being, and show real interest in their thought process, will help them open up.
Your response: “Not all plants are necessarily healthy or good for you — think about heroin that comes from poppies, cigarettes containing tobacco or even poison ivy.” This helps your teen rethink their point.
“I understand that, and I am not suggesting that you’re going to spin out of control, or that your life as you know it is going to be over. I would just like to point out that when a person is high, their judgment is not what it ordinarily is and that can be harmful.” This statement points out that you are reasonable and are not using scare tactics. It also redirects your teen back to your goal of helping them understand the harmful side effects of marijuana.
“Many people I know who use alcohol or marijuana regularly are using it to numb themselves or avoid feelings.” This brings your personal experience into the conversation and lets your teen know that you see the effects of substance use in your world.
“I would much rather you find healthy ways to cope with difficult feelings or healthier ways to try new things and find excitement than to use substances. Can we brainstorm activities?” Here, you’re showing concern, asking permission to brainstorm and joining with your teen to think through healthy alternatives — like yoga, hobbies or sports.
Your response: “It’s legal at a certain age, like alcohol. I think that people hope that by 21, they’ve given you enough time to make your own decisions around it. But let’s explore your question in more detail because it’s a good one. Why would states make something legal that could be harmful?” Letting your teen know that this is a valid question is important to them being open to your answer. Expressing curiosity with an open-ended question that can’t be answered with one word keeps the conversation going.
“Let’s look at alcohol; it’s legal, but causes damage, including DUIs, car accidents and other behavior that can lead to jail time. Alcohol can also cause major health problems, including liver and heart problems and is linked to several forms of cancer.”
“Cigarettes are also legal, even though they are highly addictive and proven to cause birth defects and cancer. Just because something is legal and regulated doesn’t make it safe or mean it isn’t harmful.”
Alcohol and cigarettes are great examples of legal substances having severely harmful side effects. In fact, they result in the deaths of more than half a million Americans every year.
Your response: “Okay. Why did you do it only once? Why did you stop, or decide not to do it again?”
Asking your teen why they aren’t doing it more than once can lead to them explaining the reasons for not liking it. They might mention that they were only offered it once.
“Tell me about your experience. I’m genuinely curious to know what it was like for you. How did it make you feel?”
This is an example of an open-ended question that asks for a longer response than a one-word answer. It can help you uncover what they may or may not have liked about getting high.
Your response: “Let’s think of ways to turn down the offer you would be comfortable saying.”
Instead of telling them what to say or do when they are uncomfortable, try asking them. Brainstorming with your teen on how they may get out of a sticky situation will be more effective than telling them. Help your teen think of ways to turn down offers for their own reasons, like “I’m not into that,” or “I have a big game tomorrow and don’t want to be out of it.” Another option for teens struggling with mental health is to acknowledge it saying, “I actually have anxiety (or another mental health problem) and drinking makes it worse.”
* Even though we don’t recommend drug testing, some kids will say that they can’t use marijuana because their parents or other caregivers randomly drug test them.
Your response (if you did use marijuana): “I’m not going to pretend like I didn’t, and that’s why I’m talking to you about this. I will tell you that when I did smoke, my decisions weren’t great. The only thing that prevented me from getting into some difficult circumstances was luck.” You may want to point out some of the negative things that happened to you (or your) friends that you wish didn’t.
“The marijuana I used in my day is not like the flower, edibles, drinks and oils that are around today. The ones today can be 20 times stronger than what we had which means they can cause more problems. Many harmful things don’t happen to you because of your ability to make sound decisions. When you are high that ability to make good decisions is questionable.” Here, you’re not only providing information but reminding them that marijuana can impact their judgment.
Your response (if you didn’t use marijuana): “You may or may not believe this, but I never smoked marijuana when I was a kid. It didn’t have a place in my life, and would have gotten in the way of the activities I enjoyed.”
Here, you’re explaining why marijuana didn’t interest you. Your reasoning may have been that you didn’t want it to get in the way of activities you enjoyed. Perhaps you didn’t feel you needed to use weed to fit in or were turned off by the smell. Offer any other honest reason that kept you from trying marijuana.
If you use marijuana or alcohol — whether in front of your teen or not —they are probably going to call you out on this (“But you smoke marijuana/drink alcohol!”)
Take the time to think about and examine your own use — especially if your teen sees you use. You may want to consider the effect your behavior has on them.
For instance, say you come home from a long, stressful day and the first thing you do is smoke a joint or pour yourself a drink. You are showing your teen that you use a substance to relieve stress or as a coping skill. This can send the wrong message. Instead, try modeling another behavior for your child (like going for a walk, working out, reading, stretching, deep breathing, etc.) that helps you unwind.
Ask yourself why you drink and/or smoke, how often, what time of day and how much you use. These answers are going to affect how your teen sees you and views substance use. It will provide some insight into your behavior. Is your substance use in any way becoming a harmful and unhealthy coping mechanism?
These are questions only you can answer. Honestly think about them. Reach out for help if you need it. (Consider connecting with our helpline.)
If you don’t feel comfortable talking about your substance use with your teen, you can put the focus back on them. You can say, “I’m glad you brought this topic up. I think it’s important that we talk about my use as well as yours and, I would like it if we started with your use. Why do you feel the need to drink or smoke?”
Try asking your teen, “How does my use affect you? I’m curious, because how you are feeling is important to me.” This invites them to share and ask questions and promotes working together. Consider also asking your teen, “How does knowing that I use marijuana or drink alcohol make you think differently about your own decisions?” Open-ended questions like these show curiosity, respect and understanding. Lastly, be sure to express your love and caring about your child’s health, development and well-being.