Sandy also gives advice to anyone struggling – especially those who’ve relapsed – as well as their families.
Captain Sandy, welcome to Heart of the Matter. It’s so great to have you.
Thanks for having me. I’m thrilled to be here.
My kids are huge fans of your show and of you. I think it’s part of that fascination with seeing how the elite 1% live, but, the show is fantastic and you’re fantastic on it.
Thank you.
I think in some ways you… Gosh, I read in an article you should have been dead 10 times over with the lifestyle you once led.
Yes.
Explain what you mean by that.
Well, I suffered from addiction very early on, right? So I was on that merry-go-round.
I know it well.
Yes. And arrested 14 times. Never really convicted of anything, because it was usually stupid stuff, which was still breaking the law, drinking and driving. Before it was really big. My face went through a windshield-
Oh.
… and I had a parked car. I mean, it was always damaged to myself, thankfully, not to others. And then finally, I was in and out of treatment centers and finally I got it. It happened to me where I had that day where it was the clarity of, “I really want this.” I was the age of 25, I got clean and sober.
That’s so young.
I got a sponsor, worked the steps and have been in this for a long time. I have to say, I’m living a life beyond my wildest dreams because of that. And the career launched happened during that time. After two years clean, I got my license, all through my addiction, I worked on boats. And then finally I got it together, I became trustworthy. I started to learn the definition of integrity, accountability, all these characteristics that are really important when you go out into the work world. And a guy invested in me, saw my work ethic, liked who I was, and he decided to give me a job, give me an opportunity.
A lot of people, I think, when they’re dealing with somebody who is active in addiction or has struggled with addiction, they write them off. “Oh, forget it. This person’s a lost cause. They will never be anything but a lost cause.” The fact that you were able to, even, my gosh, while you were still drinking, to work on these boats and then convince people to give you that shot. What’s that message there to people who are looking at somebody who might be struggling with addiction or newly sober or newly clean, and thinking, “Too big a risk, this person will never be anything but a mess?”
Yeah. It’s about investing in others, but you know what? It’s about investing in yourself. Because, it’s taking that time, putting the work in. You got to want it, right? You got to want it. And it’s that shift. It’s that psychological shift. I really can’t put it into words. It’s something that you have to live. And I just remember years ago I had a sponsor and because I’m in a twelve-step program and she said, “It’s not for the people who need it, it’s for the people who want it.” And that really sunk in. I needed it.
How old were-
I was 17 when I was court ordered, and 25 when I finally got clean.
How old were you when you started drinking?
13.
That’s young.
Very young. Peer pressure. I’ll never forget, I was, whatever, eighth grade, whatever. It was the peer pressure. And addiction runs in my family but, I just remember I wanted to be a cool kid. It was completely peer pressure.
And was it just like once a weekend with your friends or did it rapidly escalate?
I started skipping school, doing it at school, missing the school bus. It just started at school and then it rolled on into, throughout my life. I was kicked out of 11th grade, because I was such a mess. And then I, for years, was in and out of institutions, jails and institutions, in and out of 12 step programs and treatment centers. And finally at the age of 25 I… It’s so interesting because you can get caught up in that loop, right? It’s like that loop. And I was in that loop and I finally broke it and it was because I wanted it more than I needed it. And that was the shift. And when that happened, I did everything my sponsor said from the morning I woke up, she told me what to do, and I followed through. And one of the biggest things was through that journey is the restitution and amends to people.
And I’ll never forget, I bought all this furniture and I had not paid it back. And she made me go sit in front of the manager and tell him that, I want to pay him back and I could afford $5 a week. And they accepted that.
Wow.
And I paid that for years until I paid it back. I increased it obviously with my success, but, it was such a freedom and also such a learning and a mental freedom because, you never realize how those things that you did to others or take from others, because that was in fact stealing in a way, because I never paid for the furniture. It was in my house. And I learned that restitution and how that clearage of the past, to make you more present in the now. I heard this guy share, if you are always thinking about the past, it’s usually you’re usually depressed, you’re usually… Like, “Oh my God, I can’t believe I did this.” And the future thinkers are the ones who are anxiety ridden.
And so, when you clean up the wreckage of the past and make that restitution, you’re more able to stay in the present. And then you learn not to think about the future because you’re really okay with what you’ve done in the past, because you’ve corrected it. It’s not magic, it’s just work, right? And it’s just that acceptance inside. And you got to say to yourself, you have to admit it to yourself, know that you’re not a bad person, that you just made some mistakes and that you want to correct those mistakes, which means commitment. You have to do that and sometimes sacrifice.
You tried to get sober, many, many times over many years, from the time you were 17 until the time you were 25, and it worked. You had your moment of clarity. What did that part look like and how discouraging is it? I mean, a lot of people feel this enormous pressure. Sometimes externally, you’ve got to stop. You’ve got people in their lives who are saying, “You stop or you get out or you stop or you’re fired or you stop or you’re going to go to jail,” and they’re unable to do it and then they feel even more worse about themselves and that inability. I know when I was struggling with alcohol, I didn’t fully appreciate that I was addicted and that it was a sickness. It all felt like a character flaw. Tell me about those years when you kept stopping and trying and then relapsing.
I learned after I first got clean and I went to a 12 step program that what I was doing was no longer okay. That seed was planted, which destroyed my drinking and using career, because now it’s implanted in my mind that, “Oh, I’m actually an addict or an alcoholic.”
I shouldn’t be doing this.
“Shouldn’t be doing this.” And that revolving door still exists. And what happens is, is people stop helping because they think, why should I? But there are the few that can continue to stay present and try to help you because, no matter what, you’re not hopeless, for your listeners. No one is hopeless. But you have to have that mustard seed of hope and put that action behind that, in order to get there. And there’s this psychological shift that occurs and that happened in my mind, I’ll never forget it, where, you decide that, what I’m doing now is the right thing and it feels good. And it’s so hard because my problem was, it wasn’t I drank because I was depressed, I drank because I was happy. And I was like, “Oh, yeah.”
It was always when I got back on my feet that I relapsed. It wasn’t when I was knocked off my feet. It’s really that shift that happens, that revolving door. I remember someone say to me, “You keep taking these white chips, we need them for people who want this so can you bring back some?” Because then I just picked them up all the time, because I just kept surrendering. And it was those few that really stayed invested in-
When you say white chips, explain what that is?
That’s when you surrender. You pick up a white chip and say, in front of a group of people and you say, “I’m going to stay sober, one day at a time, and I’m going to keep coming back.” But when you relapse, you got to pick up another white chip. Well, I had a lot of them. I could have a poker match. And so I needed to get to those other steps. And this lady, I’ll never forget her, her name was Allen, she smoked these More Cigarettes, and she goes, “You know Sandy, we’re running out of white chips. Bring them back for the people who want it.” Because, it’s not here for people who need it, it’s for people who want it. And I just remember that shift happened for me. And I just did it one day at a time. I went to meetings every day, I worked those 12 steps and I still do.
I have a sponsor today in my life, we talk all the time. I show up for others because it’s in that selfless… Right now I’m going through something and I said to someone, “I need someone to help, because it’s going to take me out of myself.” Even though your life is falling apart, you can still be there for someone else. And that really matters because it takes you out of your self-pity, that loathing, that, “Why is this happening to me?” To be able to refocus and say, “Oh my gosh, I’m not alone in this. Let me share my experience, strength, and hope with someone else.” And that’s what I try to do on the TV show. Because I see these kids come on, and I think, “Yep, if I have those conversations and I’m willing to help and… If you can help change someone’s life, that’s such an awesome feeling. The currency from that is tenfold.
You mentioned that you came from a long line of addicts. I’m curious, did your parents, did your siblings who saw what you were doing when you were spiraling out of control as a teenager and in your early twenties and tried to do something? And what was something that helped and what was something that didn’t? I’m guessing that if your family has experience with addiction, maybe they said some of the right things or showed a little more patience.
No.
No?
I come from a long line of addiction and they showed up for me. They did their best, but they also struggle. Mine was a little more extreme. The people who helped me were the people in the rooms of the 12 steps. Thankfully I was court ordered there. And those were the people who really made a difference in my life. My family, I had to detach from because they were enablers. My mom was my biggest enabler of all. She always bailed me out of jail, she always scooped me back up, meanwhile, she was drinking. I had to completely detach myself from my family. It’s almost like, going to a retreat or something. I didn’t do that, I just detached and went to this 12 step program and did the work.
And then, I would say about 90 days or six months after I was clean, that’s when I re-integrated my family back into my life. And it wasn’t that they were doing things to me, it was they couldn’t help themselves, nor could they help me.
I want you to tell the person who’s currently struggling, currently in that washing machine cycle or that spin cycle where you just keep doing the same thing over and over again. What’s the one thing that you wished you’d known during those several years that you were quitting and relapsing, quitting and relapsing, collecting those white surrender chips and then relapsing? What’s the one thing you could say to somebody going through that? And then what’s the one thing you would also say to somebody who is witnessing someone going through that?
Honestly, it’s like, and I’m sure your listeners who’s going through it can relate to this. You want it so bad, but, you try and you try and you try. And I just remember this guy saying to me, “Try to get on a horse. Either you get on the horse or you don’t get on the horse.” You actually have to take that step. And that means picking up the phone or checking yourself into a treatment center. And if you’re a person like me that was that merry-go-round, you just have to keep showing up and trying. Do not give up trying. Do not give up hope. Because, there’s no magical dust. It’s an internal thing and you have to want it more than you need it. And my words would be, “Do not give up trying.”
And for the people, how many times do you estimate you relapsed over all those years?
A hundred.
A hundred?
Oh, yeah.
I just want people to hear this. This is a person, you or a person, who relapsed a hundred times, who probably a lot of people wrote off as doomed whatever. Who got sober and then proceeded to build an extraordinary life with extraordinary success. And that is possible for, not just Sandy, but for many, many, many people out there. I know so many people who are in recovery, who are superstars in their fields, who are judges, who are movie stars, who are Grammy award-winning singers. There are a lot of people who are in recovery who are doing amazing things.
Yes.
And it’s important not to give up on these people and think, “Ugh! You’ll never amount to anything, you’ll never be anything because you’re doomed.”
Yes. Keep coming back. Don’t not come back. And I was in a halfway house, so I’ve been in a three-quarter way house and a halfway house.
What’s the difference?
Three-quarter way is you go to work and come back. Halfway is where you go to meetings all day and you do all the work and then you transition into a-
Three-quarter Way House means you’re three quarters the way out to a real normal life?
That’s correct. And yes, absolutely. Good job.
Thank you.
With Stepping Stones, it was in Fort Lauderdale, and, I just remember I was in and out of that place as well, and the woman said to me, “You’re simply not worth the paperwork Sandy, because you’re going to come in, you’re going to get money, you’re going to feel better and you’re going to relapse.” And I’ll never forget it. I kept going back every day-
You’re not worth the paperwork?
Yes, I’m not worth the paperwork.
Wow.
And that was my shift, not being worth the paperwork. You know what I did? Every day I went back there and said, “I want to come back. Please take me back.” Finally she did. She was the director. And it was that moment that I was worth the paperwork for her.
Wow.
And I stayed and I did the work and I chose my sponsor, because she drove a cool car and she listened to Rock and Roll, but her name…
Not the best way to choose a sponsor, but it worked.
But I did, but I was that person and I stayed clean because I worked the steps with her. Because, it was awesome. And I’ve been clean ever since, because I was worth the paperwork and that was my shift. Everything that’s in my life today, I did not seek, it came to me. All these doors of opportunities will start opening for you, when you do the next right thing and stay clean and sober. And next thing you know, you’re walking through this door of opportunity. And if you don’t want to be there, you can always turn around and walk back out, until another door of opportunity opens. I didn’t seek TV. I did pursue the maritime industry because that was my career and so many things that have been coming to me I did not seek. They have been put on my lap and that opportunity has been there.
And so I walked through it because, I love God. People here, I know that my heart has these silent little prayers that go out there and doors open for me. It is spiritual, mental, and physical, and I am connected in all three areas. And I think when you have that balance, but you have to learn the balance. It’s not like you come in and this happens overnight, these instant results. And that’s what addiction did for me. It was instant change. Instant change of feeling. You have to learn to sustain the feeling, the pain, the anguish that you’re going to experience to get to the other side. Because without that work, there is no other side. You’re going to continue to do that quick fix, which is never a quick fix because for me it was jails and institutions. Stay in it to win it, because it’s worth it.
You said to People Magazine about a year ago when your book came out, “I have no shame and no fear. Everybody saw me when I was a mess. I’ve seen the bottom so I have nothing to fear.” That is a great place to be, to have nothing to fear.
Yes. It is.
I think we all wish we could be. I think everybody is always striving to get there.
I think when you do the work and you show up as who you are, knowing where you came from, what do you have to fear? I think my presence in the world, I am an example walking through this life. What I did, how I changed and who I am today, is what really matters. Is the heart of the matter. That is definitely the work, the now and that’s a constant thing. Every day I review my day, I make sure I make those corrections. I don’t let them build up. If I own an apology, I make that amends immediately. I don’t let that build up because I’ve learned through the practice and through the work, through the grind, through the pain, through all of that. That, when I do these things, it really makes a difference. And it’s…
You also said in that same interview, “Someone’s keeping me alive for a reason. I should have been dead 10 times over with the lifestyle I led.”
Yes, I believe that.
Do you feel like this in some way is your purpose?
Absolutely. I believe that, I love God, so I’m not going to be afraid to talk about that. That I’m kept alive because I’m meant to help others. I’m meant to show up in this life, to bring it forward, to carry that forward and to… Obviously, we all have to make money, we all have to make a living, live a productive life. And as I walk through, it’s not about consuming, polluting and wasting, it’s about, giving and receiving and giving and receiving and giving and receiving, because that is the flow of life. And so, that’s really what I’m meant to do and I know that. Every experience that happens to me and I’m going through something now, it’s like, I had the moment, why me? So why me?
This morning in the shower, you know what came to me? Because it’s been why me for about 10 days, was, the reason it’s you, is so you can help others. You’re going to get through this. You’re going to walk the walk and you’re going to get to the other side, and you’re going to share that journey with others. Because that’s going to help others that are going through the same thing that you just have gone through.
You in season four of your show opened up about your struggle with alcohol to a crew member working for you who you thought had been drinking too much. And you said something that I know as someone in recovery’s really resonated with me and I’m betting it resonates with a lot of people, both in and out of the rooms. You said, “Sometimes I wish I could have a glass of wine, but it’s like I can’t stop with one. I would have the whole bottle, then another one, then another one. It got me nowhere or sometimes incarcerated.”
Travis.
First of all, how did Travis take being confronted? Because, that was never an easy conversation to be on the receiving end. When I was deep in my addiction, when people would want to talk to me about my drinking, it was like, “Yeah, you can stop talking right now.” And yet you are coming at it from somebody who’s like, “I’ve been there. I know what that’s like. And the reason I don’t have one glass of wine is because I know tonight it might stop at one and even next month it might stop at one. But I know that eventually it will stop at two bottles.”
In that moment, he was on watch and I smelled alcohol. In my career, most people would get fired. You are on watch. I went to the producers and I said, “I don’t want to fire Travis. I want to talk to Travis.” And I just asked for that permission, and they said absolutely. Having that conversation with Travis was investing in him, letting him know that I’ve been there and that he… Because I have witnessed him through the season as we were filming, go there with alcohol several times. And I think that internal struggle, a lot of times it’s about, for me, it was my sexuality. I had the addiction within me, I just couldn’t accept my sexuality. I don’t know what Travis’ struggle is, but there’s always something because, alcohol addiction is just a symptom of what’s really underneath. It’s the mental part.
And I just really wanted him to know, that I had been there, that I want to invest in him, that I want to give him the opportunity and let him know that there is help. Because so many times employers just dismiss it. And in our book there’s a chapter where it says, “To the employers, invest in your people. Take the time because that time that you invest could change a life.” And I wanted to be that person for Travis and actually say, “Hey, I’ve been there. I’ve been arrested, I’ve had things happen, I finally got it.” And letting him know-
Do you think he made a difference?
I hope so. I know his dad reached out to me and thanked me. His father.
Really?
Yes.
That’s great. And sometimes it’s just a matter of planting the awareness. He might not stop drinking, but he might drink a little more responsibly.
Maybe. Yes. It’s the awareness. It’s the awareness. That’s it. That’s the key. It’s just being aware and then you can decide.
I find myself, I have very little patience or tolerance. I think more patience it’s more tolerance. I don’t like being around people who are under the influence any longer. If I’m at a party or a restaurant and there’s somebody near me who’s had too much to drink, I leave. I don’t want to be around it. You’re on a yacht, trapped in, you can’t leave, with people who are often partying pretty hard. And with even crew members who may want to party. What is that like for you to be a person, obviously strong in her recovery, but still surrounded by a lot of people drinking?
Great question. In the book, it talks about, when you do the work and you work these 12 steps, you’ll be placed in a place of neutrality with alcohol. You’re no longer going to hate it or want it. That is the result of working the 12 steps. I’m in a place of neutrality with alcohol. I don’t hate it and I don’t want it. Honestly, you could put lots of alcohol in front of me, I don’t want it, nor am I scared of it. Because the reality is alcohol is everywhere you go, in life.
It is.
That is the work of the 12 steps, and that’s where I am. And it’s a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition, honestly. It’s that threefold thing, mental, physical, and spiritual. And as long as those things are in line, I am in a place of neutrality. There may be days where I go, “I just wish I could have a… Now I think edible, because I’m like, “I don’t really want to drink. It made me feel bad. It seems like the edibles are really great.” But I don’t, because I know that could lead back to my primary, which was alcohol.
Finally, I just want to get back to your, “moment of clarity.” There’s a great book called Moments of Clarity, which is full of essays from different people who explain what happened, their moment when they realized something shifted. There are many people, as you well know, and I well know, who never get it or who get it and it’s fleeting. And who can spend decades, if not their entire life, in and out and in and out of sobriety. I know you talked about that woman writing, not worth looking at you and saying, you’re not worth the paperwork to readmit you once again into the three-quarter house.
Right.
What do you think that was? That shift inside of you? Because you are so strong in your sobriety and so long in your sobriety, and while you were in your addiction, you nearly died, you already talked about everything that happened to you. You really went through the ringer, and hospitalized many, many, many times. And yet you’ve been, that was it. One day, standing right there, watching her look at you with exasperation and say, “You’re not even worth it anymore.” Tell me about that moment that changed.
When someone says to you, “You’re not worth the paperwork,” for me it was, my chances were running out. I had nowhere else to go. I had nowhere else to go. It was the loneliest feeling. It was so lonely.
Right there.
And it’s all about loneliness.
It is about loneliness.
But I was alone, solely alone. It wasn’t that I could go back and ask and… That was the turning point for me. I didn’t want to be alone anymore. I didn’t want to be alone. Not to be alone, I had to do the work, in order not to be alone. Because as we all know, it’s a disease of loneliness, and that is such a hard place. And I just kept showing up until she changed her mind, sober. I kept showing up sober, and I was this relentless person that just kept asking. And finally she said, “Let’s do the paperwork. I think you’re ready.”
I don’t think I’ve ever felt so lonely in my entire life is when I was drinking. Because you’re so isolated and so incapable of authentic connection with anyone and so incapable of telling the truth about what you’re drinking. Because I was sneaking around doing it, it was horrible.
And then I felt hopeless at the same time. When I went back and she said, “Let’s do the paperwork,” I had hope again, and I was no longer alone.
Was it hard to write your book? Was it hard to write all this? The whole thing?
Hardest thing I ever did. Absolutely. It was hard.
It is hard, right?
It was re-living all of it and just, the focus that’s required. I had a co-writer, of course, because I’m not a writer, who would grind me every day and interview me. And I got to know Samantha Marshall as well as she knew me by the end of the journey. Because in order for a writer to really grab the essence of a human being, they have to share their personal strength and hope, and that’s what she did with me. We created this bond between us. It was two years to write this book. Two years.
You had been how many years sober when you wrote it?
33.
33 years?
32 or 33.
Was it hard to go back all those decades back to that time in your life when things were so out of control?
Not really. It was hard to relive the people I hurt. For me, it’s so fresh in my mind, because I never want to forget where I came from, ever.
That’s part of why going to meetings is great. You hear other people’s stories and it’s like, it takes you right back to, “Oh, yes, I did that. Or, oh yeah, that happened to me.”
Yes. They say meeting makers make it and I believe it, but I also know that if you work the 12 steps, that’s where freedom comes from.
What do you do when you’re on the ship on a yacht someplace? How do you make meetings? Zoom?
The links. Oh yeah. Absolutely.
Life saver, right?
Yeah. Before that, it was called AA Loners, and I went to that and it was chat. We didn’t have the cameras. Because I’ve been at sea for years sober, but I went to meetings all over the world. Sometimes I sat in meetings and I didn’t understand a word they were saying. It was a different country, but I felt like I belonged.
And it helped you.
Yes, absolutely.
I’ve heard people talk about that. Sitting in a room where everybody’s speaking Portuguese and you don’t understand a word of it, and you yet somehow, the way they look at you and welcome you and just listening to them speak something you can’t understand, is still valuable.
Because you know you’ve taken an action to help yourself. It’s about the action steps.
It’s also about the universality of suffering.
Yes, absolutely.
People struggle and suffer everywhere.
Yes.
Captain Sandy, you’re a real inspiration.
Thank you.
You’re real inspiration to, I know to your crew, and to the people who have a good fortune of working with you. You’re a real inspiration to all the rest of us in recovery with the length of time that you’ve put together. It’s amazing and a testament, and I can’t thank you enough for coming on the show and talking about your journey. And honestly, giving hope to people out there who are struggling to get sober and thinking, “Do I want to get sober? I can’t get sober. Why can’t I get sober?” And their family members who were like, “Why can’t this friend I love or my sister, or my mother, or my aunt, why can’t she get it?” Don’t give up.
Don’t give up.
Don’t give up.
Keep coming back. Thanks for having me.
Thank you.