I tried to get clean so many times I lost count. I remember how hard it was to say I'm sorry. The words just didn't have any meaning. I stopped saying them in those last couple of years.
I tried meetings. I went to rehab. And another rehab. I thought I was destined to go down with the ship. And part of me was ok with that. But when I thought about my family I got really really sad. I didn't want to give up.
I heard at many meetings, "keep coming back, it works if you work it." I thought I was working it but when I got honest, I really wasn't. I was hiding out in meetings. I wasn't really letting people in. I wasn't sharing about the obsession and how it would hit me and my whole body would start to tremble. I heard someone say that by myself I had no defense against that first drink or drug. And many times it started with just a few drinks. But I always ended up trying to make up for lost time and going to lower and lower spots.
I hated myself. But I kept picking up. The last couple of times I got myself into some near death situations. That didn't scare me so much. What scared me was that I didn't tell anyone about them.
And I had told myself that I was working the program. I wasn't! I didn't call my sponsor. I wasn't working the steps. I didn't hit my knees every morning and ask my Higher Power for another day clean. I didn't have a service job. I was just going to meetings and bullshitting with others doing the same thing as me.
Well I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I got a new sponsor and we started working the steps. I did a 90 and 90 and put my hand up at almost everything meeting. And I learned to stop complaining about what was going wrong and started to share about what I was learning and how grateful I was. I started making the coffee. I went on a road trip meeting that ended in the diner. I also started to do an addiction therapist who was sort of like a second sponsor but she was able to heal me from the inside out. It was what I needed. 12 years later I am getting ready to walk my daughter down the aisle. I am happy, joyous and free.
If you are struggling you can do it too. You need to jump in with both feet. Keep going back and it truly does work if you work it.
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